the crunch

by Charles Bukowski
---------------------

too much too little

too fat
too thin
or nobody.

laughter or
tears

haters
lovers

strangers with faces like
the backs of
thumb tacks

armies running through
streets of blood
waving winebottles
bayoneting and fucking
virgins.

an old guy in a cheap room
with a photograph of M. Monroe.

there is a loneliness in this world so great
that you can see it in the slow movement of
the hands of a clock

people so tired
mutilated
either by love or no love.

people just are not good to each other
one on one.

the rich are not good to the rich
the poor are not good to the poor.

we are afraid.

our educational system tells us
that we can all be
big-ass winners

it hasn't told us
about the gutters
or the suicides.

or the terror of one person
aching in one place
alone

untouched
unspoken to

watering a plant.

people are not good to each other.
people are not good to each other.
people are not good to each other.

I suppose they never will be.
I don't ask them to be.

but sometimes I think about
it.

the beads will swing
the clouds will cloud
and the killer will behead the child
like taking a bite out of an ice cream cone.

too much
too little

too fat
too thin
or nobody

more haters than lovers.

people are not good to each other.
perhaps if they were
our deaths would not be so sad.

meanwhile I look at young girls
stems
flowers of chance.

there must be a way.

surely there must be a way that we have not yet
thought of.

who put this brain inside of me?

it cries
it demands
it says that there is a chance.

it will not say
"no."

from LOVE IS A DOG FROM HELL
©1977, Black Sparrow Press

25 Bums In Rags (the part where he yells at his neighbor and I laugh) - Charles Bukowski

you know how it is with horseplayers. you hit it hot and you think it's all over. I had this place in back, even had my own garden, planted all kinds of tulips, which grew, beautifully and amazingly. I had the green hand. I had the green money. what system I had devised I can no longer remember, but it was working and I wasn't and that's a pleasant enough way to live. and there was Kathy. Kathy had it. the old guy next door would actually slobber at the mouth when he saw her. he was always knocking at the door. "Kathy! oooh, Kathy! Kathy!"
I'd answer the door, just dressed in my shorts.
"ooooh, I thought . . ."
"what do you want, mother?"
"I thought Kathy . . ."
"Kathy's taking a shit. any message?"
"I . . . bought these bones for your dog."
he had a big bag of dry chicken bones.
"feeding a dog chicken bones is like putting broken razor-blades in a child's cereal. you trying to kill my dog, fucker?"
"oh, no!"
"then jam the bones and split."
"I don't understand."
"stick that bag of chickenbones up your ass and get the hell out of here!"
"I just thought Kathy . . ."
"I told you, Kathy's taking a SHIT!"
I slammed the back door on him.

Ain't Nobody G'an To Entertain Me

Where is everyone? I need more blogs to read, more things to entertain me.

I'm going to make soup, fancy French soup with a recipe that originated from Arles. Sounds fancy, right? Let's hope I don't have a panic attack while I'm chopping vegetables.

My hives are better today, I think they're going away.

My Bukowski documentary is in the video store. Yay! I keep reading the short story, "25 Bums In Rags," because for some reason that seems to entertain me in the dark, dreary days of winter. I especially like the part where he answers the door in his underwear and yells at his neighbor to fuck off. That always makes me laugh!

I signed up for yoga classes. I AM THAT VERY STEREOTYPE of the person who tries to exercise every January, but then usually realizes she doesn't have money to pay for it, by the end of February. I plan to try to budget for it this year.

Something To Write About!

I just had a positive interaction with a credit card company. I know, right!!???!! Maybe miracles REALLY DO HAPPEN.

I recently found out that I owe $47 to a credit card compnay, which surprised me, because I haven't used a credit card in YEARS; it's been a really long time. Crud. So, it's been so long that they've long ago reported it as a default to the bank and have closed the account permanently. Whoops. So, I called today to pay off my $47 dollars, and they guy on the phone said, "Oh, I'll just waive that for you. Don't worry about it. I appreciate you calling to try to pay it off." Then he gave me his full name, phone #, and extension in case there's ever any problem, so that I can refer people back to him.

Can you believe it?????? Wow, so now I have to believe that sometimes there ARE humans on the other end of the phone at the credit card company.

They're Back

Santa gave me hives for Christmas. Thank you, Santa!

This Struck Me As Incredibly Funny For Some Reason

	Hobosexual	2586 up, 294 down
	Adjective. The opposite of metrosexual; one who cares little for one's own appearance. Examples: Michael Moore, Peter Jackson. First documented hobosexual - John the Baptist.

Going To Bed Early Tonight

It has been apparent to me recently that I had an ASTONISHING amount of endurance and stamina in my youth. My ability to endure painful, awkward, uncomfortable family events, my ability to grin and bear it and lie my way through it has significantly diminished as I've aged. Now if it happens one day a year, it's almost unbearable. I can remember a time when it happened once a month.

I wonder if I can attribute this, in part, to positive developments in my life that derived from trying to avoid situations that I know I won't want to be in , which might in other words be part of living a more "authentic" life, if "authentic" can be defined as CHOOSING to spend my valuable free time in healthy, desirable ways. I can choose not to be a victim of my family's expectations of me. And in choosing that, I find myself in those awkward situations far less frequently, and when it does happen upon rare occasion, it's startling.

Or on the other hand, I wonder if my inability to deal with these types of family gatherings reveals a trend toward weakness, wherein via age and time, even the slightest amount of discomfort becomes disproportionately magnified in my mind to be totally, overwhelmingly distressful. Maybe THAT'S how old people get to be all crazy, driving like 15 miles an hour on the highway and complaining loudly if they have to stand in line, intolerant of all things new, different, and uncomfortable. I don't want to end up like that! Those are the people that I want to go up to and say, "Go to bed old man!!! Don't burden me with your grumpy, inflexible ways."

So I guess it comes down to the fact that I can't tell if I'm being authentic or a grumpy old person. Either way, today has drained me. My back hurts, I'm tired, and I have no joy in life. I plan to put on pajamas, do some exercises, read on a good book, and go to bed EXTREMELY EARLY.

Merry Freakin' Christmas

How is it that the "Header Image" at the top of my blog page is suddenly not centered behind the "Header Text"? Now it's flush left. I totally fail to understand.

Anyways, here's my image of the season that I feel properly expresses the festivity. This picture was taken at the San Diego Comicon a couple of years ago (or last year?). I didn't take it (sadly), I totally copied it from someone's Flickr. I hope I don't get sued. SO THE POINT IS, Rocky Horror has NOTHING to do with comics, so why are they dressed like that at a Comicon? That kind of sums up our culture's celebration of Christmas in a nutshell. Why? Because we can.

Bukowski

He's a crazy, alcoholic, perverted, unemployed bum with an acne scarred face and unbrushed hair, and how I could I not love him? At least on a literary level. Or whatever, I don't have to justify my feelings to anyone, they just are.

New Year's Resolution #1

If Mike Huckabee wins, I'm moving to Canada. Have I said that before? Well if not, I wanted to reaffirm it here. This I swear to you; it's my first new year's resolution. More to come.

Sunday

I am reading a Charles Bukowski novel, of which I'm totally in love. There's nothing quite like the avoidance of real life via a really good book. Right?

Lately I've been filed with a tired feeling, a lack of wanting to put forth effort in things for which I don't get a satisfactory return. Normally an unsatisfying return causes me to want to try harder, you know the Morrissey song, "The More You Ignore Me The Closer I Get".

Right now I'm off to a LISGSA party (Library and Information Science Graduate Student Association). Later.

Random-Thoughts-Thursday

Seriously, I arrive at work and the first e-mail I read makes me VERY IRRITATED. I'm always irritated. Nothing I can do about it, so I just need to visualize my prairie cabin with Pa's fiddle and a warm fireplace. Ahh, send me to my happy place.

I finished my first knitting project ever- a lovely blue scarf, knitted in the pattern: knit, knit, purl, knit, knit, purl, repeat a-zillion times. In order to accomplish this, I watched more tv in the past month than I have collectively in the last YEAR.

First, I watched 13 hours of season-one of an HBO show called “The Wire.” Then I watched about five movies, including “What Ever Happened to Baby Jane” and “Ghost World.” I watched “Ghost World” four times. I would like to see it again, that’s how much I like it. I also watched a few epiosodes of season-one of “Battlestar Galactica” and season-four of “Project Runway.” Last night I watched “Project Runway” for three hours, which allowed me to cast off and add fringe to the ends of my scarf. I totally wept when that guy had to suddenly leave the show because of a face infection. He was so nice! It was very emotional for all of us. My scarf even cried.

In other news, I hate Christmas. There, just had to say it. There is no joy in my dark, cold, brittle heart. I just want people to leave me alone and get out of my way. And I’m sorry, but red, seasonal appliquéd sweaters are gay- I have to call it like I see it.- not “gay” in a good way, but in the way that you don’t necessarily intend, and so it’s best to avoid altogether.

In conclusion, I’d like to give a huge shout-out to Steven who made me brownies last night! YOU ROCK AND ARE MORE AWESOME THAN A BAG FULL OF KITTIES AND PUPPIES!!!! Smoooches.

Tales of Almanzo Wilder

I don't really feel like doing anything productive. The weather makes me that way. Our prairie-settling ancestors would probably spend this time huddled around a small fire eating beef jerky and cuddling with puppies until the storm passes. I don't see why I shouldn't do the same, so in rebellion I've been checking MySpace a lot and watching movies, since I don't have any puppies or beef. The only thing I really want is brownies, but not for the effort of having to leave the house.

Also, who wants to exercise outside when everything is covered in ice? The total inability to go outside is starting to get to me, like I'm in an isolation chamber at the stage when you start to hallucinate. I guess the only thing to do is go to bed early.

Red Dawn

This city has lost its freakin' mind! Everyone is driving with their heads up their asses, because the weather might be bad. That's fine, as long as I don't have to be out in it.

In going to the hardware store on my way home from work, I had to circle the block twice, ended up driving through a Catholic school carpool lot, and had to park down the street at the veterinary clinic, because all the parking spaces in the remote vicinity of the hardware store were taken. Cars were parked on sidewalks and medians. It was like a plague of locusts had descended on the area! Once I battled my way through the door, I learned they were out of kerosene. Actually, they were pretty much OUT OF EVERYTHING, because the locusts had attacked and the shelves were all empty. Each locust standing in line had a large bag of salt slung over one shoulder, a bucket of kerosene in one hand, and bundles of firewood in the other. I had to make due with what lamp oil and flashlights I could find. The line was totally to the back of the store. It was Red Dawn, the Commies had landed, and we needed to stock up for the apocalypse.

I was standing in line, when all of the sudden Fox 4 Action News burst into the store and starting doing a live broadcast; but you have to imagine that the whole store is about the size of a walk-in closet, so it was pretty much stuffed solidly full of people. We could all hear the reporter: "We are inside the Waldo hardware store standing next to this city's hottest commodity [the salt crap people put on their sidewalks], and look at this INSANELY LONG LINE, Jim!" A man standing next to me was on his cell phone shouting, "Yeah! I'm in the hardware store with about a thousand other people!" No kidding.

Mainly, I'm excited at the possibility that my work might be closed tomorrow and I'll have the day off. Yayyyyyy!

Sitting In the Bar

I was in a bar the other night, by myself, waiting to meet a friend. There were only two other people there plus the bartender. The bartender had burst his ear drum earlier that day. He told me he bled out of his ear and dislocated his shoulder, but he didn't go to the doctor, because he's a skateboarder.

There was another couple sitting at the bar. The young girl was obviously drunk, on a Tuesday night. I kind of thought she looked pregnant, and she was sitting in front of a pile of six cookbooks; one I could see was on bread and another one on 30-minute cooking. She was swaying in a clockwise circle to her own rhythm (heedless of the loud music), slowly looking, and talking slurred. The bartender asked if she was okay; he seemed rather concerned, but he couldn't hear her response, because he was deaf in one ear from bursting his ear drum earlier in the day. She looked numb and fluffy, like a soft pillow, closed and inside of herself. Eventually she had to be carried out, because she couldn't stand.

Boston Legal was on closed-captioned tv, and William Shatner was still funny, even without sound. He said, "I bet they have dwarves in hell. Suddenly I'm less afraid of death."

We Are Totally Screwed

Is it wrong that politics makes me want to go to sleep? I mean I try, but GOD, they all suck! So I haven't been paying attention to the presidential candidates, and now that it's December and the first states are going to have primaries in the next month or two, I've started paying attention. I'm listening to a news program that I like, and it makes me SO SLEEPY. I have stop, take my headphones off, and get up and run a lap around the office, lest I crumple into a ball in my chair at work and go totally unconscious. It's as though the whole idea of it makes my brain go numb. Our world is horrible, we as a nation are horrible, and horrible things are always happening on a cataclysmic scale, and we're all horribly fucked.

Feist - Sea Lion Woman (Paris)

See Line Woman II

Jump N Funk 2006 Rich Medina! See Line Woman

My Back Yard

IMG_0003
Originally uploaded by desanders

Soon I will be able to fully see the ugly-mud-patchyard of the house behind mine.