I Found the Homosexual Agenda

Yesterday I attended a Kansas City gay pride celebration. I have friends and family who are gay, so that seemed like a good enough reason to go. I’ve always been curious as to what the “homosexual agenda” is that everyone talks about. My uncle sent me an e-mail about a month ago that said Pepsi sponsored a gay pride event in NYC and therefore Pepsi supports the “homosexual agenda.” The e-mail ended with a call for me to boycott all Pepsi products. I don’t know what the agenda is, but I figured if I were to look for it, the gay pride festival would be the perfect place to find it, right?

From what I could tell, people who have gay pride enjoy buying jewelry, eating food, and drinking beverages. They also dance to booty jams and sometimes wear wacky hats that glow in the dark. They love dogs; there were a lot of dogs. I imagine some cat lovers were in the crowd, but cats don’t really do festivals. The gay pride festival also had carnival game booths where people throw oversized basketballs into tiny hoops or balance bottles in some strange, impossible way in order to win stuffed animals.

Seek and you shall find. Here it is - the homosexual agenda as represented in a stuffed animal: a pseudo Hello Kitty. It has crazy feet and a yellow heart nose. I won it by playing a carnival game that involved throwing darts at balloons. I saw it from across the field and knew it was meant for me. I won’t say how much money I spent to win it. The carnival guy said the pseudo Hello Kitty was worth at least $80, and I was totally getting an awesome bargain. I believe him. She can touch her chin with her toes.

So I present my findings. This is what I came back with. I was chatting with a couple there, and they asked where my friend and I worked. We said we worked at The Nelson. They had no idea what we were talking about. For Kansas City, this is equivalent to going to NYC and not knowing what the Metropolitan Museum of Art is. So I asked them where they were from, and they said Texas. It never occurred to me that this event was important enough for people to travel to. I honestly assumed that everyone there was from midtown.

Ultimately, my conclusion is the fact that people are bound to exert a grand effort to go someplace that celebrates being able to love who you want is sort of laudable in the face of a society that fails to see all people as equal. Isn’t everyone’s agenda the same? Don’t we all just want to be happy?